"I take CARE of my abs!"

I got hip to a new trending thing online the other day; something that goes by the phrase "dadbod".

The phrase was popularized by a Clemson Student in an article about this body type, the mantra for which is "I go to the gym sometimes, but I also like to eat 8 slices of pizza and drink beer..."

Ok I like pizza and beer as much as the next guy, but seriously, please miss me with this embracing mediocrity bullshit.

Full disclosure, I'm in the throes of a really serious health push right now, so I'm a bit biased, but I have some BIG problems with this "movement"

http://www.buzzfeed.com/juliegerstein/i-will-be-your-father-figure#.lbO5eO5ql

In the Buzzfeed article, the examples of the body type are images of Jack Black, Seth Rogen and cats like that...doughy, schlubby....RELATIVELY healthy, "regular guy" types. In principle, there's nothing wrong with that body type......but attempts to popularize it smack of what Chris Rock might call "I take care of my kids syndrome"

http://www.buzzfeed.com/juliegerstein/i-will-be-your-father-figure#.wc5KzQKp3

So let me say that there's nothing wrong with the dadbod per se.....there are obviously plenty of dudes running around who look like this. RELATIVELY healthy, but certainly not in IDEAL health. The problem is, one is SUPPOSED to be relatively healthy. You don't get points for that, you barely get an also ran for that! You can't present "also ran" as an IDEAL because it's actually the LACK of an ideal. It says "you're fine pudgy, long as you're not TOO fat. Once again, yet another voice is telling people to be excited about mediocrity...."avoid excellent! Run from personal greatness as fast as you can!" I've talked about this before.....I probably will again

Now of course, this is just me, and is informed by the fitness journey that I am currently on, but there's already enough media telling people it's ok to just be ok. Moderation makes sense in some things, but if you're not going to make a real commitment to your health goals, just stay home. Too much middle of the road mentality in this case ain't a good look.



Besides, my Dad was/is built like a fuckin' tank

Regarding Iggy (or Come on in, but the Water's Not Always Fine!)

Allow me to attempt a metaphor. Imagine a big pool filled with people who arent allowed to get out of it. Whenever one tries to get out, they get grabbed and thrown back in. It's sometimes fun in the pool, but the no recourse for the people if/when they desire a respite from swimming all day, and having to work to stay afloat and not drown. They get real good at swimming, but SOMETIMES it sure would be nice to not have to be in the water.... Now he comes a Land dweller, dipping her toe in. She wades into the shallow end and splashes around and has a little fun.....She not a particularly good swimmer, but she is something of a novelty. Soon, all the other land Dwellers (and even a few pool dwellers) are looking at her and going "wow what an amazing SWIMMER! She is quite obviously the best swimmer EVER! She's the QUEEN OF THE POOL!" All this is being said in plain view of the lifetime pool dwellers.
 and then some a-hole pours a truckload of mud into the pool. All the pool dwellers of course are
stuck in the pool, with the mud, while our "pool Queen" merely looks at the mud in the pool and goes "look how dirty those pool dwellers are!" This is the nature of our fancy splashing land dweller.
Stevie Wonder once and "make sure when you say you're in it but not of it, you're not helping to make this worle a place sometimes called hell" Virtually everything young Iggy says has an undercurrent of "in it but not of it".

And Now it's Time for a Breakdown

Well it's been a few days, I sat and let it all marinate, and now I'm ready to give my thoughts on the election. I MOSTLY kept it presidential in this post; I could easily go on for a month about the Mourdocks and the Akins out there, but I'll spare you. So here are the hate lockers official takeaways from this election season.

#1: It doesn't all come down to the money.
To the Mitts, Mitch McConnells, and Scott walkers, out there... stop looking at the money. pay no attention (or at least a little less) to the man behind the wallet, because HE IS NOT YOUR MASTER; WE ARE. I write this blog because too many of us are too obsessed with too much of the wrong thing. Celebrity, bling, toys, whatever. Everybody wants everyone else to look at them, and everybody wants a bunch of stuff. I realized at some point that truly ,whatever they SAY they want, what they REALLY want is control.... influence.....guess what senators, governors, and congressmen? You already have that. you dont need to suck up to Sheldon Adelson, or the Koch brothers or anyone else for that matter. You're a participant in the most venerated legislative body in the history of democracy. You not only have the ability to influence your environment, you have the ability to influence the environment and the health and the safety and the well being and the education of MILLIONS of people. You're in a position to help shape our society into a more perfect union. So why the fuck are you still worshipping the money? You think you need the money to stay where you're at? Forget about illusions of control and power, you have influence!* If you do your job with integrity and principle, the money can't beat you. President Obama just proved that. Sheldon Adelson kicked in $70 million to try to defeat the President. Karl Rove raised another $370 million. Ralph Reed chipped in $10 mil and the Koch brothers put down another $ 400 million. They ponied up buckets of money and got 0% return on their investment. Hopefully the lesson from this election cycle will be that if you serve #1. the truth and #2. the people, then your public service career need not be a slave to/hostage to/victim of the ALLEGEDLY almighty dollar. If you are a servant of the people, then it's THEIR will that determines your fate, not some billionaire with a self serving agenda. And speaking of the will of the people...

 #2. The outcome of this election is the will of the people.
Obama won a clear majority in the electoral college and in the popular vote. Its especially telling that the Obama victory happened in the face of the "voter fraud is a felony" billboards on the west side of Cleveland, and "election monitors" coming to my old neighborhood back in Pittsburgh asking people for ID as if it was a mandatory to vote. Despite all the attempts at voter suppression, Obama still won in a landslide. Translation: the majority of Americans approve of the president and his policies, and disapproved of the idea of a Romney presidency. Someone wise once said that if you have a problem with one person, hey that happens. If you have the same problem with a second person, it be's like that sometimes. If you got same problem with THREE different people however. it might be time to start looking in the mirror. So if the MAJORITY OF THE COUNTRY finds your policies disagreeable, you might consider asking yourself what your real problem is with the president. I'm not saying that everyone who voted for Romney is a racist, but i am saying that all the racists voted for Romney. Be sure of your real reasons. make sure they stand up to facts. and speaking of facts......

#3. If you are remain in an informational bubble, constantly inhaling recycled facts that were tainted in the first place, eventually you will asphyxiate.
There's no way to spin it. The Romney campaign was predicated on misinformation, disinformation, and lies. From Paul Ryan's "closed factory" whopper at the RNC convention, to Romney's "jeeps to china" lie in the last week of the election. It seemed like these guys lied whenever given an opportunity. I know politicians lie, but generally speaking we're talking about lies of omission or obfuscation....not Romney/Ryan though. These guys told blatant, bald faced, easily refutable fabrications that flew in the face of facts(the Jeep moving to China story), logic (ryans claim that Obama broke a promise to keep a GM plant open that was already closed before he took office), and good taste(benghazi). Now we all know that there are those guys out there for whom lying is almost a part of their charm, but Mitt Romney is definitely not that guy. and speaking of not that guy.

 #4. Come on, ya'll knew he wasn't the guy....
Really, look at him

and tell me he's not the 40 years on version of Stan Gable from Revenge of the Nerds

Admittedly the republican primary field was pretty damn weak this time around, but seriously, this is the best ya'll could do? This smarmy, smirking self important, flip flopping flake? A dude with a moral compass built by the Mr. Magoo corporation? A guy that thinks the music of ABBA is "a little too angry?" All that talk of his formidable business acumen, as evidenced by his tenure at Bain capital. Guess what friends, Bain Capital only saw an average investment return somewere in the neighborhood of 30%, really no better than the average for any investment company, plenty of which don't carry a record of outsourcing, downsizing simply to pad profits, or generally running roughshod over the basic tenets of human decency or business ethics. At best Romney's business model is somewhat flawed, at worst it's truly immoral. But hey that's the beauty and purity of the free market, right? And if 47% or so get trampled underfoot so "Papa" John Schnatta can have another yacht, hey what are you gonna do? Just too bad, right? And that was the real question posed to us over the last year and a half. What kind of country are we? What kind of a people are we? are we the nation of "sorry about your luck?" the nation of "you don't look like me or mine so it's in my best interest to be indifferent to you and yours"? Or are we the nation of "we're all in this together"? The nation of "you don't have to look like me in order for me to give a damn about you"? Personally, I believe we are the latter. Since tuesday, I have felt a profound sense of gratitude that a significant majority in this country feels the same. And so as we bid a farewell to this 2012 election season, I'll send Governor Romney off with what I never could've realized was such an appropriate song until really thinking about the 7 year Romney candidacy and the American people's thoughts on it \
"....yes sir....I give to the Needy...and not the Greedy....uh-huh, that's right!"

Here's a Quarter....

So what piece of pop culture pablum will we try to choke down today? Non other than everyone's favorite Jamoroquai tribute band, MAROON 5! Now...to be honest, I've always dug this band. Douchebaggery notwithstanding, Adam Levine is a fine singer. Harder to breathe, from their 1st major, was a great song; They had a great many on their first several albums. As time wore on thoughthe writing began to seem somewhat lazy, as if they just know what's expected of them so they just do that, like when you go to movie with Samuel L Jackson. Their songs just got lazier and lazier and the pinnacle of that downward spiral? Payphone. I wanted to like Payphone. Wiz Khalifa is from Pittsburgh, like me, so I'm predisposed to root for him. Couldn't do it. Why? No CENTER. Seriously, no four bars of this song seem to have anything to do with the others, from the stretch voweled chorus, to the Akon-esque verse four bars later. Another four bars of that, and then into a cadenc-ey pre-chorus that to me sounds like a yapping dog. Go ahead, listen again and tell me I'm wrong. Go on, do it now, I'll wait........see what I mean? Next up is an alternate chorus; a mid range take on the same melodic concept. Believe it or not, Payphone is almost as boring to listen to as this post is to read. Of course, these are all aesthetic things. Some people like Akon, some people like yapping. The real problem is that as far as I can tell, Payphone is just a collection of disjointed hooks and melodies. It might as well be four guys in four different rooms writing different words to the same track. Generally, bands have the opposite problem: they'll put out a new song that sounds just like the last one. In this case one song sounds like a dozen different songs. Songs about Jane proved in spades that these guys can put out a great album. Payphone is the first single from their new one Overexposed I’ve often said that it must be nice to be Like a U2, or a Bruce Springsteen, or another one of those acts that gets to a point where they could put out more or less anything at all and still have that certainty that their album WILL BE BOUGHT. The unfortunate side effect of this is songs like Payphone. With this song they literally phoned it in.

You're Not Getting What You Pay For

Rejoice Fellow Haters, I have returned! Welcome back to the Locker, thanks for visiting. I have Misssed yooouuuu(spoken as Smith from The Matrix Revolutions) It's been awhile, but don't think it's because I ran out of stuff to hate on. Quite the contrary, I'll be doing a LOT of catching up over the next several weeks. I hope you enjoy the ride. So what is it that has pulled me out of the abyss of blogger limbo(blogger-tory?)? It started one night driving past the Wiltern Theatre in Los Angeles. the Marquee was of course plugging whoever it was that would be there next, but what Caught my attention was the words directly beneath the Headliner's name: VIP EXPERIENCE: $ After the colon was a ridiculous number. Realizing that number represented a dollar amount I actually swerved a little bit(apologies to the biker). So Let me get this straight. You'll pay several hundred dollars more than what is already a REEALLY high ticket price to have a "VIP Experience"? You know what? I can't even call this bullshit. Calling this bullshit is an insult to bullshit. This is beneath bullshit, this is monkey piss. The VIP Experience is a phrase you see a lot more often these days; the actual experience can vary from venue to venue, including but not limited to anything from pre-seating, premier seating, heightened level of service(drinks, hors de oveurs, Lobster, whatever), perhaps a meet-and-greet with the performer before or after the show. Now the idea of backstage passes is nothing new, but the reference to the "VIP Experience" is(relatively). The difference is the focus. Got a backstage pass? You get to meet someone special. You're getting a VIP experience? the focus shifts to YOU. All of a sudden, YOU'RE the special one. Except, um, no you're not. Once again, it's all about you...I've talked before about why this attitude is really lame. Let me hip all you VIP-experience-wanting monkey pissers out there to exactly what you're in for. You'll be shoved into a room down the hall from the stage with several other of your ilk, someone will hand you a half glass of cheap merlot(it'll probably be watered down)and call you sir. Bet that makes you feel special huh? Then Tom Petty(just picked a name out of a hat)will shuffle in, shake your hand, maybe offer a grin and say "thanks for comin'....." Moments later he will leave that room and promptly resume being completely unaware of your existence. Congratulations, you just became Chun Li in this scene: That's right, you just paid what for some people is a month's worth of paycheck, and it had about as much impact on Mick Jagger as the flier some street teamer put on your windshield outside the bar. You have a vague recollection of it, but only as something dealt with for the briefest of moments, then you continue with your actual life. Don't let the watered down two-buck chuck fool you my friend, you are Yanni's windshield flier. Here's what I hope folks will start to realize before they pull out that Black card: Paying for A VIP experience changes your social status as much as paying for the "girlfriend experience" changes your relationship status. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. Special very seldom stands on a wallet. Special isn't legigimized by 18 seconds of flesh-pressing with Bruce Springsteen. Special people ain't thinking about Bruce in terms of their special-ness. Sit down, shut up and enjoy the concert. Rid yourself of this pathological need to have everybody fellate-sturbate your ego. Very Important People don't pay to be(or to feel, or to make other people think they are)special. They just are. Important people do important things. Hey, here's an Idea: Want to be a VIP? Do something very important. Find someone to help. Teach someone how to help themselves. Provide a solution for a problem outside of your own little fortress of entitlement. The first step in being important is to stop pretending you are. The second step is to stop trying to convince others that you are. If you are, those who need to know will know. You can't BUY special; you can only BE special.

Flag on the Play, Jackass Interference!

So here's the deal. YOu feel strongly about some issue? you have a stance on something? Save it for after the whistle blows.
In the 2003 NFL season, right wing agitator Rush Limbaugh was a commentator for ESPN's sunday night football broadcast. The subject on the table was Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb. Here's what Rush had to say

Completely lame and uncalled for. Nothing can convince me that this wasn't a calculated attempt to create controversy; another form of racial arson, which I've talked about before. Rush has zealots to feed meat to and he decided gameday was suppertime. I can just imagine him in the moments before the "on air" light came on: "Wait'll they get a load of what I say NOW. My Dittoheads are gonna love this one. Ramifications for my fellow broadcasters? Who Cares? Fallout for the Network that hired me to talk about football, not to advance my political opinion? To hell with them! All that matters is the further advancement of my own cult of personality."
To the credit of the Disney Company(ESPN's parent company), Limbaugh was dismissed soon thereafter. They let him save face by giving him an opportunity to resign as opposed to being fired, but everybody knew what was up. Later that season, Donovan McNabb took the Eagles to the Superbowl.

This past November, comedian/political commentator Bill Maher, In the New Rules segment of his show "Real Time", decided Quarterback Tim Tebow who had recently been named the team's starter, would make a great metaphor for the the Republican Presidential field. Here's how it went down.

Bill Maher has made no bones about his disdain for organized religion. Furthermore, this wasn't the first time he's found unkind things to say about Tebow. With that said, As of this writing, Since replacing Kyle Orton as Denver's Starting QB, Denver's record stands at 5-1. I guess it'd be a bridge too far for Maher to maybe look at that and think twice about his anti-religious predilections, but I wonder if he would at least be man enough to consider that he may have let his opinion taint his perception of reality. The truth is in this case, Bill Maher did the same thing he calls out the evangelicals for. He let his religious beliefs(or lack thereof) color his opinion in defiance of all of the stats, facts, and evidence. I'm no Tebow expert, but one look at his history as a player suggests that "in over his head" and "throws like a girl" seem at best ridiculously innaccurate and at worst like the words of someone more interested in their agenda than in an actual dialogue about sports.

Generally speaking, I dig Bill Maher. Rush Limbaugh not so much, but in this case they're both guilty of the same sin.
You know what the cool thing about sports is? Agendas and plans and opinions don't mean a thing. Sports is (with some exceptions)about whether or not you can get it done. that being the case, your feelings on Affirmative Action or Religion mean NOTHING. You embarrass yourself an annoy all of us by introducing those things into this conversation. I suppose neither of these situations should be a suprise to anyone; both of these fellas have a habit of making their hubris more important that what they're talking about.
So I guess the lesson to take from this is that not everything is Peanut Butter Cups. Before you get ready to introduce your personal hangups into our sports converstation, Think twice. As a matter of fact, no don't think about it even once. Just shut up, have some nachos and watch the game.

Nothing's Gonna Stop Her Noooooowwww!!!

I have figured out Kim Kardashian. The last week has seen the kind of ridiculousness seldom seen outside of stupid romantic comedies. The climactic anticlimaxing culmination of a long national nightmare of being celebrated for the kind of avarice, arrogance, and vapid ignorance that in previous centuries inspired political cartoons featuring pigs as people. Unfortunately, even in the wake of this new fiasco it probably won't end.
She's built a grossly lucrative empire on more or less being present. By just being there. She's proven herself very adept at things like showing up, standing, posing, smiling, collecting a check...and of course getting peed on late at night.
She shows up at parties and clubs(which she gets paid for), on twitter(where she gets paid several thousand dollars to tweet about products), they put her name and face on products(more money). And then there's the Kardashian franchise of TV shows, I've posted about her before, and my opinions are no secret. I'll save most of the venom; that's been there, done that material. I'll just share what I figured out. Let's go to the tape

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKunZnUSl_s&feature=related

Prince's Welcome to America tour earlier this year. Madison Square Garden, NYC. Prince invites her onstage. Like an idiot, she just stands there. And that's pretty much a microcosm of the entire Kardashian experience.

On Dancing With the Stars, she was cut in week three. Not really a run to be proud of when you supposedly have that many fans to theoretically vote for you.

She records the song "Jam", which is permeated by lyrical Gems as "turn me up turn me up yeah yeah yeah" and "Maybach in the front/I pick out any boy that I want". As good as my vocabulary is, It is woefully inadequate at describing the level of suck intrinsic to this recording. How often does autotune not help?

And finally, the Humphries/Kardashian wedding. Several fortunes worth of dollars spent. People fly in from all over the world toting along $200,000 worth of gifts. Kim's there. Doing all the things she's good at. Showing up, standing, posing, smiling, collecting a check. And of course getting peed on probably later that night. In the subsequent months however, having to actually be married proved too much for her. Even with every possible advantage. None of the financial concerns most married couples have, not to mention the goodwill and support of literally millions of fans that most married couples never get. With every possible advantage a newlywed couple could ever need, she couldn't handle it.

Looking at the evidence, my extrapolation is that Kim Kardashian is great. She's awesome....as long as she doesn't have to actually DO anything. Onstage with Prince, frozen stiff. Dancing with the stars, one of the first gone. Records a song, makes most want to poke out their eardrums. A wedding with all the bells and whistles. Can't handle the marriage for more than 72 days. All she can do is be present. She can be there no problem, but don't ask her to contribute, because that's asking too much.

Kim Kardashian is the worlds first fully functional multi media mannequin. She's like a screwed up version of Kim Catrall's character in the movie Mannequin. In that movie the girl was alive until people actually looked at her, in which case she froze. She could be in the room, be draped in finery and put in a window that had been decorated with elegant and exotic backdrops. However, When people actually paid attention to her; actually got a good look at her, she became frozen and hollow. A fake person in a fake scenario used to make people pony up cash for the clothes, the jewelry, and the shiny happy life. A frozen fake smiling plastic statue.