I have figured out Kim Kardashian. The last week has seen the kind of ridiculousness seldom seen outside of stupid romantic comedies. The climactic anticlimaxing culmination of a long national nightmare of being celebrated for the kind of avarice, arrogance, and vapid ignorance that in previous centuries inspired political cartoons featuring pigs as people. Unfortunately, even in the wake of this new fiasco it probably won't end.
She's built a grossly lucrative empire on more or less being present. By just being there. She's proven herself very adept at things like showing up, standing, posing, smiling, collecting a check...and of course getting peed on late at night.
She shows up at parties and clubs(which she gets paid for), on twitter(where she gets paid several thousand dollars to tweet about products), they put her name and face on products(more money). And then there's the Kardashian franchise of TV shows, I've posted about her before, and my opinions are no secret. I'll save most of the venom; that's been there, done that material. I'll just share what I figured out. Let's go to the tape
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKunZnUSl_s&feature=related
Prince's Welcome to America tour earlier this year. Madison Square Garden, NYC. Prince invites her onstage. Like an idiot, she just stands there. And that's pretty much a microcosm of the entire Kardashian experience.
On Dancing With the Stars, she was cut in week three. Not really a run to be proud of when you supposedly have that many fans to theoretically vote for you.
She records the song "Jam", which is permeated by lyrical Gems as "turn me up turn me up yeah yeah yeah" and "Maybach in the front/I pick out any boy that I want". As good as my vocabulary is, It is woefully inadequate at describing the level of suck intrinsic to this recording. How often does autotune not help?
And finally, the Humphries/Kardashian wedding. Several fortunes worth of dollars spent. People fly in from all over the world toting along $200,000 worth of gifts. Kim's there. Doing all the things she's good at. Showing up, standing, posing, smiling, collecting a check. And of course getting peed on probably later that night. In the subsequent months however, having to actually be married proved too much for her. Even with every possible advantage. None of the financial concerns most married couples have, not to mention the goodwill and support of literally millions of fans that most married couples never get. With every possible advantage a newlywed couple could ever need, she couldn't handle it.
Looking at the evidence, my extrapolation is that Kim Kardashian is great. She's awesome....as long as she doesn't have to actually DO anything. Onstage with Prince, frozen stiff. Dancing with the stars, one of the first gone. Records a song, makes most want to poke out their eardrums. A wedding with all the bells and whistles. Can't handle the marriage for more than 72 days. All she can do is be present. She can be there no problem, but don't ask her to contribute, because that's asking too much.
Kim Kardashian is the worlds first fully functional multi media mannequin. She's like a screwed up version of Kim Catrall's character in the movie Mannequin. In that movie the girl was alive until people actually looked at her, in which case she froze. She could be in the room, be draped in finery and put in a window that had been decorated with elegant and exotic backdrops. However, When people actually paid attention to her; actually got a good look at her, she became frozen and hollow. A fake person in a fake scenario used to make people pony up cash for the clothes, the jewelry, and the shiny happy life. A frozen fake smiling plastic statue.
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